Beauty's a curse
by AAnimeLoverr29
Summary: Kanda Yuu seemed to have it all. The looks, money, friends, & a possible career as a lead guitarist for a band. But of course life wasn't easy and things were never as it seemed. Especially as he was dealing with anorexia & bulimia behind the scenes. Struggling from his mothers abuse & practically hated by all on top. But Allen Walker became a kind stranger that he could rely on.
1. Prologue

**Hi, i'm back to Fanfiction, after two years of studying for harsh exams that kept getting harder. New story in Arekan/Yullen genre. Not sure yet, but the plot bunny took over and gave me a new story. Hope you'll enjoy**

What is beauty?

Having the appearance of what people considered beautiful would never be easy, or fair for that matter. Now don't get it wrong, it wasn't like he was bragging or letting his ego grow large to scale. It was just a fact that him as a teenage boy had noticed and learned since as he was always identified with 'beauty'.

Now what was beauty in the first place, he never could tell.

After all beauty was always linked to girls and commonly lifeless dolls, Females of the human race, never males. If it was linked to males it tended to have a slightly insulting meaning or something like that. That was definitely the case when the adjective was used to describe Kanda Yuu.

Beauty was like a stain that would never disappear and would stand out like blood on a white laced clothe. Everyone noticed and that was the problem.

Everyone noticed.

He didn't want to be noticed. He didn't want to be beautiful as that was more an insult and curse than a blessing from what he experienced. The meaning was a stain in his life that couldn't be washed away and only attracted more dirt. He was like a goldfish in a glass. A single goldfish as compared to a colony of fish in an aquarium, a goldfish was more noticeable because it looked one of a kind and stood out. He hated that.

He wasn't bragging. He didn't have an ego. Whatever was left of his dignity was drowning in molten tar.

It as that supposedly, being beautiful meant he was noticed, taken advantage of and always by the wrong people.

It meant that his appearance attracted dirt of society to himself. It meant that he was currently led to being bulimic and anorexic. It meant that he would suffer abuse from his birth mother and her 'boyfriends'. It meant that he would never be taken seriously and that he was not allowed any shred of decency in his life. It meant that from childhood he was to be like a whore, used by the scum of the earth.

He hated it. What was beauty if not just a curse. He found himself bleeding constantly and throwing up. Being forced to do things and having his thoughts ignored as he was just a doll. With his midnight blue long hair that he was not able to cut. His sharp oriental features and pale skin he was the living definition of a lifeless doll. An oxymoron. Paradox if you will.

He wasn't given permission to live and he wasn't treated like other, 'normal' human beings. Not by friends, blood relative or even his newly adopted family. Not by anyone. He was simply to be used and looked at for others entertainment.

It was disgusting and overbearing.

He hated it and had enough. It was to much of a burden being who he was. Not existing to be treated fairly as a human but living among other.

The fifteen years of his life of torment and abuse is what led him up to this point. Unwanted throwing up. Spewing his guts as his mother would force her hand down his thought. Being starved as punishment. Hiding away trying not to be noticed. Overall suffering in silence.

What was beauty if not a curse. Being called pretty was being insulted and he wanted it to end. He wanted his life to end. It just wasn't fair. He had no future. The molestation was getting worse. The things he was forced to do was getting more and more frequent. He didn't want this anymore.

He had planned it out. Nobody would look any way. Simply because he was scorned. Hated by others.

Those were the thoughts that ran through his mind constantly till he finally snapped. Ran halfway through the city at midnight, in winter. Admired the snow and how it covered everything and hid it away. And wandered to the quiet hidden part of the park that few knew about; that led to a bridge across a steep river/ waterfall. This was actual beauty to him.

His life was what led him to climb the slippery railing with no regrets.

His torture was what encouraged him to jump on that winter night a few weeks before Christmas to finally end his pain. A suicide that nobody would discover. His previous pain helped him ignore the sharp feeling of thousands of razors stabbing and cutting into his skin in the form of icy water.

Sadly poetic right? The secret suicide. Invisible, silent. What could it be called? Still things wouldn't work out that easily for him.

But its also what led him to finally meeting someone who could change and help him heal problem. Someone who would accept his life and him for who he actually was and not appearances.

Ironically it was a painfully cliché twist on beauty and the beast and thinking back on it always made Kanda feeling like throwing up in utter disgust and embarrassment.

He couldn't even die the way he planned.

Fate and reality were real bitches at times.

*YOLO*

**I know, I know, I shouldn't be writing a new fanfic, but couldn't resist. I will continue writing my other stories as I don't like not finishing things but at least I'm back to writing for fanfic. The stress of exams and school really got to me as I really wanted to go university and found myself having to stop everything i like to focus on revising and actually studying. Well it paid off and now I'm going uni./ Actually starting tomorrow. So anyway enjoy. I'll start writing and updating. Maybe not frequently but at least I'll update. **

**As always, please review as that real****ly helps encourage faster and more chapters.**


	2. Neglectful Rhapsody

**Its been a while since i've written stories and honestly, finding myself getting carried away. Just struggling to get started but once i am , its hard to stop. Also learning some new things with the research that I find myself doing to make my stories more realistic.**

**Any, hope you like, and don't forget to review**

_**Neglectful Rhapsody**_

Midnight onyx orbs slowly opened with much effort before blinking rapidly in attempts to adjust to the bright room light. The brightness being made brighter due to the white shades of the walls. It was quite disturbing in a sense yet relaxing and peaceful. The room resembled the hypereality formed in films of what it was to an accurate degree.

This had become a habit for Kanda and after his eyes adjusted he added some effort to push himself up into a seated position taking more details of the room that he currently resided in, in. He found himself in rooms identical to the one he was in quite common to the point where the building franchise became a second home to him, if not his actually one. That fact was quite depressing albeit pathetic.

His body was heavy and he was currently dizzy; But confused as to whether or not to be relieved that he had a tube and needle taped onto the back of his hand with a clear liquid leading to a small sack just above him then some analytical equipment around him with pads along is chest. All this was quite regular to the Japanese teen.

He had passed out. Again. Probably at school on top. In front of others.

All he knew was that this was getting ridiculous and exhausting. Overbearing actually. It was now officially the first time that he had passed out in school. In front of others. He wondered what kind of reason people would come up with as to why.

It was very ironic really how his life and image where shaped. He would find himself wandering over back to this place dizzy and weak and he would stay for a short period from a couple of days to a week if needed. Hooked up and injected. Yet nobody would notice, not that he wanted them to anyway. After all at school, home, or even general public he was seen as that guy with looks that made many envious, both men and women. It was all quite stupid really. His looks that he was born with through no choice of his own led to an unwanted attention.

He always found himself in the same place sitting in the same bed, in the same white room, with the same tube attached to his arm, to his vein. He always found himself with an intravenous drug administered to him to keep him alive. The injections burned but he needed it.

At least in a damn hospital he felt more sheltered. But that depended on how long he could stay.

It was a weird cycle of things getting worse and worse but following along the same route. Worse to the point where he would become unable to function properly.

It was quite sad really. He didn't really have a basic understanding of society and friendships. With an unsociable and untrusting sculptured personality he only followed and preferred to stay quiet. He got annoyed easily and was judged by his quick anger, simply because he hated the world. It was cruel and filled with bile.

Yet no one noticed. It was quite sad.

He didn't remember exactly when it started but before he knew it he couldn't function like others and he was frail and looked breakable. He basically began hiding away.

He would go home and not be able to eat food, even though his body begged for it. Avoiding the family dinners that Tiedoll liked to host. Even though he really wanted to sit down and eat and was so hungry and suffering, he was unable to digest food through fear that had accumulated through the years. His body would immediately reject it as a reflex, chronic gastric reflux apparently. Even a small bite of bread and he'd immediate empty his bowels. It got to the point where he simply couldn't eat only just barely managing to drink water.

All because his scorned and selfish mother

The only reason she kept him was due to some benefits she would gain to having a child. He couldn't remember how many years since his disorder had developed but since then he had been stick and bones. Frail and weak, unable to fight back.

And when he started being administered to hospital it was always his fault. His fault he had such a disorder. His fault that he had psychological issues. He just never argued back or said anything as it would be a waste of breath. Let the doctors think he was narcissistic to the point of starvation if they wanted.

He was thankful for doctors and development of medicine being able to put him on IV treatment for nutrients frequently. The amount of bags of saline were getting ridiculous though. It helped him deal with the dehydration issue as well as some personal hygiene. After all another reason he didn't like to talk was because people would occasionally comment on bad breath and he felt himself become more and more self conscious.

Plus that and his new step father, Froi Tieldoll, a Architects and freelance Arist who his mother married was one of those 'loving types' who worried about his children. Overall, it was awkward.

The man even had three kids of his own from a previously deceased wife, Daisya, Chaoiji and Marie. Three other people who also judged him due to his apparently exotic appearance. He was seen as the whore as opposed to the actual slut that they introduced to there house.

Why would a responsible, hard working and seemingly loving person choose to marry a cheating whore like his mother? He didn't understand how people liked her. They always saw her as a saint and him as a nuisance or rebellious teenager. Life was all about the outside image after all. He did get his looks from his mother anyway. They never noticed how his mother still cheated on him and had boyfriends over to add some extra income or something along those lines.

She would bring home random men, her 'boyfriendds' when he worked nights or travelledd and his newly adopted siblings were out with friends or other things, then she would have casual sex with them for money. And occasionally whenever they were done with her and noticed her son, him, they would then start doing things.

When he originally lived alone with his mother, before her marriage and when he was younger it was just general abuse. If some where pissed or stressed they'd take it out on him. They beat him into silence, but as he got older things got worse and then they started making him do things. And as punishment from his mother shed beat him and starve him for 'stealing her boyfriends.'

In the new house Chaoiji had discovered him being forced into doing something with a fat middle aged man. His mother quickly persuading the family that he was like a prostitute and she didn't know where she had gone wrong in parenting for him to be sleeping around with his 'acquaintances'. The story had quickly spread that as some form of rebellion he hung with the wrong crowd and acted as a cheap hooker. He had almost been raped that night but couldn't say anything.

Now it was the same to where he was simply that doll with the only thing to protect being his virginity. A topic he still didn't fully believe he could keep.

And although his other' siblings' clearly didn't like him or feel comfortable around him Tiedoll had tried to be the father figure who was there for him and would spoil him to be a good boy.

That had scared him.

The man was too generous that it scared him. Since then, around a few months ago he had avoided all other the occasionally just having the family meetings and dinners where he wouldn't eat. He simply wasn't wanted by the majority and didn't fit in, so he tried to stay to himself. That way they could kind of coexist in the same house.

Kanda sighed feeling exhausted. He was tired of it though. He hated his life. Why couldn't he just fit in and be treated normally? Always hiding, sneaking out at night so that he wouldn't be at risk of molesters and perverts entering his room. Forcing him to do unspeakable acts. Him Having to constantly wear baggy and loose clothing to hide his sickly thin and bony frame. Due to his anorexia he would skip gym class and people would immediately assume he had an attitude. And he always just managed to travel to a hospital for injections by himself.

His mother was against him wasting such money so he was glad on insurance at least. The only issue was that only his mother knew about the anorexia, not that she cared.

He didn't have anyone to talk to. Not his supposed family or even his supposed friends.

His health had deteriorated. He was suicidal and sure the doctors knew, hence why he was in hospital in the first place. His unapproachable personality and anger was supposedly a mood disorder. The doctors wanted him to be taken to a mental hospital for a few months to years for treatment but they couldnt' without his mothers permission, and he already stated that his mother didn't care. It was all very complicated.

Low blood pressure, depression and low self esteem. He just wanted it all to end. He didn't want to go to that contradicted house where he was hated by his mother and her thoughts influenced his self worth. He didn't want to always feel dizzy, nauseous and numb. He didn't want to go to high school where even among his friends he felt worthless. He didn't want to have a man shove his junk down his throat like he was a fucking doll. He didn't want to be hated, disgusted or to look in a mirror and see a bony frame of a teenager that was not considered normal. The swollen joints, thin hair and unusually full face that looked healthy. He'd laughed when a doctor told him it was simply due to swollen gland around the face. What the fuck did that even mean?

He didn't want to desire solitude as he did and didn't want to always have to sneak off for treatment in secret.

He just wanted some form of peace.

He was really tired.

A nurse entered the room and he felt like she was judging him as a narcissistic teenager. He felt sick. He just wanted it all to end.

He wanted peace. Kanda Yuu wanted peace.

He turned to ignore her speaking as he already knew what she was going to say. The whole speech on he would attend therapy and should try and take care of himself, and eat and, he was beautiful the way he was. It had been the same process since he was first wheeled into ER at 11 yrs. Very young to be anorexic but it wasn't his fault. He heard the speech so many times and it didn't apply to his case. He just turned and stared at his reflection in the window ignoring the other patients currently residing with him in the room in the psych ward. He just focused on the window at an angle where he could make out the details of his features. The black marks around his eyes and the bony neck leading to the hospital gown he had to wear.

How was any of this beautiful?

**Hope you liked. Review to tell me what you think and also any ideas that you might have. Also which couples would you prefer apart from AllenXKanda**


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